RULE 1 - Life is not fair; get used to it. 

 RULE 2 - The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. 

RULE 3 - You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both. 

RULE 4 - If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.

 RULE 5 - Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping, they called it opportunity.

RULE 6 - If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

RULE 7 - Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and  listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain  forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try "delousing" the  clothes in your own room. 

RULE 8 - Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades. They will let  you try as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear  the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

RULE 9 - Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summer off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

RULE 10 - Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to their jobs. 

 RULE 11 - Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

 Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? 

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny? 

 Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?  Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

 When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? 

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? 

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. 

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?

 Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? 

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 

No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.  

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. 

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Things I learned living in Texas.

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Texas.

3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Texas, plus a couple no one's seen before.

4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

5. 'Onced' and 'Twiced' are words.

6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!

7. 'Jaw-P?' means 'Did ya'll go to the bathroom?'

8. People actually grow and eat okra.

9. 'Fixinto' is one word.

10. There is no such thing as 'lunch'. There is only dinner and then there is supper.

11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.

12. Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.'

13. The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'

14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH EM.

16. 'No. Jew?' is a common response to the question 'Did you bring any beer?'

17. You measure distance in minutes.

18. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

19. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

20. You know what a 'DAWG' is.

21. You carry jumper cables in your car --- for your OWN car.

22. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tony's, Tabasco and Ketchup.

23. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports and motor sports, and gossip.

24. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

25. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm'.

26. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

27. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time know as 'goin' Wal-Martin' or 'off to Wally World'.

28. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather.

29. Fried catfish is the other white meat.

30. We don't need no dang driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive dag-nabbit.

31. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Texas friends and those who just wish they were from Texas .